So here I was thinking I was all tough and dealing with everything so well, apparently not so much!
The X told me today that he wanted us to be "friends" and I realised that he never loved me the way I loved him. He loved me for everything I did for him, for supporting him and ensuring he was never alone. I think there is a much deeper type of love.
Then it really hit me, the enormity of the situation. It's not just a man and a woman ending a relationship. It's a son losing his family unit. It means no full-blood brothers or sisters for Thomas. It's all the dreams we had of homes and holidays and holiday homes... gone.
Now I have to re-invent myself. I have to figure out what my dreams are ... I don't really remember who I used to be. Is that pathetic? I lost all of myself in him. I used to go to concerts but he didn't like music (how weird is that - I should have known), I used to see movies but he'd fall asleep, same for theatre ... I also used to have quite a bit of self-confidence - that went too!
Now I have to get it all back, all of me back. I don't know where to start ... maybe at the gym!