The X starts his new job today, it feels so weird to not be a part of this big life change that he is undertaking. I have been a part of everything for the past four and a half years ... he would come home and waffle on and I would feign interest ... it was a good system!
Last night post-panic attack I stared at myself in the mirror for a really long time. I mean, I really stared - I looked into my own eyes and I found it hard to recognise myself there. That girl in the mirror just looked so wounded and vulnerable. That's not me ... I'm strong and nobody can hurt me?
I was dropping T to daycare this morning and his latest 'trick' is to name a list of all his favourite people - Nana, Bapou, Danni, Luna, Chris, Brittany and of course Mummy & Daddy. Mummy and Daddy are repeated again and again throughout the list. It's extremely sweet but everytime he says Daddy I just feel so terrible and guilty that we have failed him, that I have failed him. That I didn't do enough to keep his family together. That I have made him a statistic - another child that comes from a broken home. It breaks my heart.
I think this blog will be good for me, I can look back in 6 months and see how far I have come ... that's what I hope anyway.