Sunday, February 5, 2012

Wishing & Dreaming

So I haven't posted for a while, I keep thinking about it but I'm not sure what to write.

I think I'm a bit afraid of facing my feelings.

The X and I have gotten to a place of "friendship" I suppose you would say.  We both know that the best thing for T is for us to be in a partnership of sorts. We have decided to do family outings once a month, he is happier when we are all together. 

The X's addiction (gambling) has taken a hold of him again. I don't think I've spoken about this before on here but the last four years of our relationship was riddled with his gambling and subsequent lying about gambling.  I believe this was the main issue that broke down our relationship.  I would always catch him out on his lies and I grew to distrust everything he said. 

I don't want T to grow up with an addict for a father.  He deserves so much better than that. 

The more I think about all the things that have happened in the past few years the happier I am that I have a brighter future ahead for me and T. But that doesn't seem to stop the longing.

That's what I need. I need the wishing/hoping/dreaming/longing to stop.  I need my drive back. I need my enthusiasm for life and positivity back.  I want to be a great role model for T and I know I cant be that right now.