like a ton of bricks ...

So here I was thinking I was all tough and dealing with everything so well, apparently not so much!

The X told me today that he wanted us to be "friends" and I realised that he never loved me the way I loved him.  He loved me for everything I did for him, for supporting him and ensuring he was never alone.  I think there is a much deeper type of love.

Then it really hit me, the enormity of the situation. It's not just a man and a woman ending a relationship. It's a son losing his family unit. It means no full-blood brothers or sisters for Thomas. It's all the dreams we had of homes and holidays and holiday homes... gone.

Now I have to re-invent myself. I have to figure out what my dreams are ... I don't really remember who I used to be. Is that pathetic? I lost all of myself in him. I used to go to concerts but he didn't like music (how weird is that - I should have known), I used to see movies but he'd fall asleep, same for theatre ... I also used to have quite a bit of self-confidence - that went too!

Now I have to get it all back, all of me back. I don't know where to start ... maybe at the gym!

Let me introduce

The love of my life, the light to my dark, my reason for getting up in the morning.

Love.

Let's go back to the beginning

I realised today that I started this blog and didn't really take the time to introduce myself. That was a bit rude wasn't it! So, I am going to combine two of my biggest loves (making lists and talking about myself) and give you some insight!
1. I was born in 1981 with brown hair, brown eyes and hairy ears (according to my mother).
2. I have lived in over 30 homes, no I am not a gypsy I have just had an interesting life and a mother who was always searching for happiness in a different location rather than inside her!
3. Perth, AUS is my home - my mum and family live her with all my closest friends
4. Leeds, UK is my other home - my dad and family live there and I miss them, especially at Christmas time
5. I moved from the UK to Australia when I was 8
6. I have an English accent when I talk to my family, much to my friends amusement
7. I would like to have my accent all the time, I think its cute
8. I was born at 3.33 and I always notice that time on the clock
9. I wear a lot of black
10. I am not very fashionable, I definitely need Trinny and Susannah ... or Gok.
11. I don't wear makeup unless I am going on a night out. This isn't because I think I am gorgeous, I am just lazy.
12. I don't smoke, do drugs or drink very often anymore
13. My little sister's probably think that makes me uncool but I am too lazy to deal with a hangover
14. I have an older brother, three younger sisters and a younger brother oh and two younger step-sisters. 
15. When I was growing up it was only me, mum and my brother
16. Christmas is now way more expensive
17. And way louder
18. I have a son who I adore the hell out of. He is perfect. Except for the fact that he doesn't sleep through, doesn't listen to me and thinks the word no is funny.
19. I was once interviewed by a dwarf, I asked her if it was a small company.  I should have prefaced it with "no pun intended"
20. I am now single!

What constitutes cheating?

If your husband told another woman he had feelings for her would you consider that cheating? Even if she didn't feel the same way about him, shut him down and nothing happened? I would.

If your husband went on a big night out and ended up very drunk and slept in another woman's hotel room and then lied to you about it the next day would you consider that cheating? I would.

I have just found out that my X did both of the above. On the same night. Last week, the night before he ended our marriage.

I am trying to work out how I feel. Am I angry? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I overwhelmed? Yes. Am I feeling these emotions intensely? Nope... I feel I should be angrier or sadder or completely devastated.  I'm not. I had a flare of anger ... I called him names and cried but that was this morning and tonight .. it's kind of abated. I'm just ok.

Should I be scared that this is just a coping mechanism and I am going to breakdown in the next few days?! I hope not.

These things I do know:
 - I did nothing wrong to lead to my marriage break down
 - It really wasn't me, it was him
 - He didn't really love or respect me
 - I am worth so much more than him

I think as long as I keep repeating these facts I can keep moving forward.

God this must be a depressing blog to read ... is there anyone out there?

The words I needed to hear

Spoke to X last night, he said the words I didnt really want to hear but I know that I needed to:

"I'm not in love with you anymore"

7 words.

I've decided that I shouldn't speak or see him for a few weeks, kind of like an X detox.  I just need to convince myself that I don't love him either.  I will text and email him for T related things and let him speak to T on the phone whenver he wants but I dont want to hear his voice or see him.  It hurts like a motherfucker.  This is not helpful on the lead up to Christmas. Can I just skip it this year? I'm sure T will never know ...

I know I have things to look forward to ... learning how to love myself again (get your mind out of the gutter, I did that when I was married!), maybe meeting someone know, having a first kiss and most importantly watching this litte man grow up!

Day 3

The X starts his new job today, it feels so weird to not be a part of this big life change that he is undertaking.  I have been a part of everything for the past four and a half years ... he would come home and waffle on and I would feign interest ... it was a good system!

Last night post-panic attack I stared at myself in the mirror for a really long time. I mean, I really stared - I looked into my own eyes and I found it hard to recognise myself there. That girl in the mirror just looked so wounded and vulnerable. That's not me ... I'm strong and nobody can hurt me?

I was dropping T to daycare this morning and his latest 'trick' is to name a list of all his favourite people - Nana, Bapou, Danni, Luna, Chris, Brittany and of course Mummy & Daddy. Mummy and Daddy are repeated again and again throughout the list. It's extremely sweet but everytime he says Daddy I just feel so terrible and guilty that we have failed him, that I have failed him. That I didn't do enough to keep his family together. That I have made him a statistic - another child that comes from a broken home. It breaks my heart.

I think this blog will be good for me, I can look back in 6 months and see how far I have come ... that's what I hope anyway.

I don't know how we got here

Divorce. The word sounds so alien. It seems like a story I would read in NW … ‘Britney Spears is set to divorce husband after less than 10 months of marriage’. Except it’s not a tabloid, it’s my life.  I don’t know how we got here …

How do you so easily walk away from the person you promised forever too? How do you walk away from a supportive wife and adoring child without putting up any semblance of a fight? How could you have changed so much in 10 months? Where is the man who stood holding my hands, saying his vows and shedding a tear on that perfect summer’s day?

2011 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I only got married in February, travelled to Europe in March, turned 30 in April, celebrated my first child’s first birthday in April … and now this? It just doesn’t make sense to me. 

I understand that in no means were we perfect for one another … we probably couldn’t have been more different. But the majority of the time it did work.  He was my best friend. He was the one person I completely bared my soul to.  I shared everything with him … I actually don’t know how to go a day without talking to him. I don’t know how I am going to do this.  I don’t know how to imagine my world without him in it as my partner … never sharing a hug, a kiss … it actually breaks my heart.

I know nobody really liked him very much and I know he has more faults than I have time to mention but I really did love him despite all of it. And I supported the shit out of him, in times I shouldn’t, in times where I should have had more self-respect.

My issue is heart-vs-head. My heart loves him but my head tells me that love isn’t enough to make us both happy. And I want him to be happy and I want to be happy and more than anything I want our son to be happy.

So this is going to be my journal of this life changing journey I am hesitantly about to embark on.  I am a blog lover and I see all the support out there for bloggers and am hoping for a little piece of that action myself.