Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

When I was 15 I asked my mother if I was beautiful.

She told me that she wasn't going to lie. Her answer was no, I was not beautiful. I was pretty but not beautiful. I think my relationship with my mum is probably the root of all my insecurity problems. My mum was the kind of mum that uses fat as an insul all the time. When I was 18 I was 45 kg and thought I was fat. I have always thought I was fat ... and now, unfortunately I actually am a lot heavier than I should be.

It was always an issue between the X and I about my low, low self esteem. If somebody tells me I am beautiful I genuinely think they are lying.

I caught up with my mum today and we got onto the subject of beauty. She asked me if I thought I looked good with my big double chin. She then informed me this was her being a mother. Is it? Is tearing your children down the way to build them up? I then dares to ask her that question again. Wondering if another 15 years of parenting experience would help her to get it right. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't think I'm beautiful and won't lie about it.

What mother looks at her child and doesn't see beauty and perfection? I just don't understand. When I look at T I see nothing but beauty and a miracle. I will not repeat these patterns.

new job, new fringe and a dash of motivation

So I just scored myself a new job! Bit excited, I've been doing the same thing (payroll) for almost 10 years and it will be good to have a change.  Challenge myself, force myself out of this rut I have found myself in.

I got a hair cut too and got talked into getting some bangs, not sure if I like them or not yet ... I was hoping they would transform me into Zooey Deschanel but no deal...

I've fnally decided that I need to lose some weight, Ive been feeling miserable about my body for a long time, all the unhappiness led to all the kilos ... I really want to be a good and healthy role model for Thom and I know I cant do that when I am looking like this.  So I am saying NO to sugar! Sugar has been my little secret friend for too long, keeping me company while I watch the Kardashians and all the people from Jersey ... I need to find the healthier (and hotter) me!

Ok, well my day is done at work so I am going to WALK to my mum's for dinner. Only two more days left in this hellhole and then its on to bigger and brighter things!

Moving on

Once again it's been a long time between blogs, being a single mum is HARD work!! I don't think I was quite prepared for it. 

T is amazing. He is a truly gorgeous, kind, loving, cheeky little boy. He makes my job easy some days but boy he has some energy! I need to constantly plan activities to wear him out, its the only way I can get some down time.

He is fast approaching the terrible twos and I have been swept up in party planning mayhem. I think its my fear of him missing out because I am a single mum ... I have totally gone overboard with the planning of his party. It's cowboy/wild west themed and I am so excited to give him a really great day that he'll probably forget!

I have organised a photographer to come and take some pictures as his party so I will post them when it happens ... I really want to get some good photos of me and T, all the great photos we have are all with me behind the camera. I want to capture some special moments.

I guess I am feeling kind of positive at the moment. I am so much better off than the other single mums I have met ... my relationship with the X is friendly, he is a really great dad. I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have money in the bank, food in the pantry, fuel in the car. It's not all bad!

Here are a few pics of my little guy