When I was 15 I asked my mother if I was beautiful.
She told me that she wasn't going to lie. Her answer was no, I was not beautiful. I was pretty but not beautiful. I think my relationship with my mum is probably the root of all my insecurity problems. My mum was the kind of mum that uses fat as an insul all the time. When I was 18 I was 45 kg and thought I was fat. I have always thought I was fat ... and now, unfortunately I actually am a lot heavier than I should be.
It was always an issue between the X and I about my low, low self esteem. If somebody tells me I am beautiful I genuinely think they are lying.
I caught up with my mum today and we got onto the subject of beauty. She asked me if I thought I looked good with my big double chin. She then informed me this was her being a mother. Is it? Is tearing your children down the way to build them up? I then dares to ask her that question again. Wondering if another 15 years of parenting experience would help her to get it right. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't think I'm beautiful and won't lie about it.
What mother looks at her child and doesn't see beauty and perfection? I just don't understand. When I look at T I see nothing but beauty and a miracle. I will not repeat these patterns.