Time Marches On ...

I can't believe 6 months have passed! I can't believe I was so worried of getting through that first night, that first week without the X.

I feel like a different person now. I feel calm, content... dare I say, happy?!

I've discovered a new inner-strength ... actually I don't think it's new - I think I just found it again. I had lost it along the way but I am starting to feel like the old me.

I read through my posts last night and wanted to give myself a big hug. I thought my life was over back then, but now I feel like this is going to be a better and brighter chapter.

I absolutely know that he could live a 100 lifetimes and still not deserve me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

When I was 15 I asked my mother if I was beautiful.

She told me that she wasn't going to lie. Her answer was no, I was not beautiful. I was pretty but not beautiful. I think my relationship with my mum is probably the root of all my insecurity problems. My mum was the kind of mum that uses fat as an insul all the time. When I was 18 I was 45 kg and thought I was fat. I have always thought I was fat ... and now, unfortunately I actually am a lot heavier than I should be.

It was always an issue between the X and I about my low, low self esteem. If somebody tells me I am beautiful I genuinely think they are lying.

I caught up with my mum today and we got onto the subject of beauty. She asked me if I thought I looked good with my big double chin. She then informed me this was her being a mother. Is it? Is tearing your children down the way to build them up? I then dares to ask her that question again. Wondering if another 15 years of parenting experience would help her to get it right. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't think I'm beautiful and won't lie about it.

What mother looks at her child and doesn't see beauty and perfection? I just don't understand. When I look at T I see nothing but beauty and a miracle. I will not repeat these patterns.

new job, new fringe and a dash of motivation

So I just scored myself a new job! Bit excited, I've been doing the same thing (payroll) for almost 10 years and it will be good to have a change.  Challenge myself, force myself out of this rut I have found myself in.

I got a hair cut too and got talked into getting some bangs, not sure if I like them or not yet ... I was hoping they would transform me into Zooey Deschanel but no deal...

I've fnally decided that I need to lose some weight, Ive been feeling miserable about my body for a long time, all the unhappiness led to all the kilos ... I really want to be a good and healthy role model for Thom and I know I cant do that when I am looking like this.  So I am saying NO to sugar! Sugar has been my little secret friend for too long, keeping me company while I watch the Kardashians and all the people from Jersey ... I need to find the healthier (and hotter) me!

Ok, well my day is done at work so I am going to WALK to my mum's for dinner. Only two more days left in this hellhole and then its on to bigger and brighter things!

Moving on

Once again it's been a long time between blogs, being a single mum is HARD work!! I don't think I was quite prepared for it. 

T is amazing. He is a truly gorgeous, kind, loving, cheeky little boy. He makes my job easy some days but boy he has some energy! I need to constantly plan activities to wear him out, its the only way I can get some down time.

He is fast approaching the terrible twos and I have been swept up in party planning mayhem. I think its my fear of him missing out because I am a single mum ... I have totally gone overboard with the planning of his party. It's cowboy/wild west themed and I am so excited to give him a really great day that he'll probably forget!

I have organised a photographer to come and take some pictures as his party so I will post them when it happens ... I really want to get some good photos of me and T, all the great photos we have are all with me behind the camera. I want to capture some special moments.

I guess I am feeling kind of positive at the moment. I am so much better off than the other single mums I have met ... my relationship with the X is friendly, he is a really great dad. I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have money in the bank, food in the pantry, fuel in the car. It's not all bad!

Here are a few pics of my little guy

Wishing & Dreaming

So I haven't posted for a while, I keep thinking about it but I'm not sure what to write.

I think I'm a bit afraid of facing my feelings.

The X and I have gotten to a place of "friendship" I suppose you would say.  We both know that the best thing for T is for us to be in a partnership of sorts. We have decided to do family outings once a month, he is happier when we are all together. 

The X's addiction (gambling) has taken a hold of him again. I don't think I've spoken about this before on here but the last four years of our relationship was riddled with his gambling and subsequent lying about gambling.  I believe this was the main issue that broke down our relationship.  I would always catch him out on his lies and I grew to distrust everything he said. 

I don't want T to grow up with an addict for a father.  He deserves so much better than that. 

The more I think about all the things that have happened in the past few years the happier I am that I have a brighter future ahead for me and T. But that doesn't seem to stop the longing.

That's what I need. I need the wishing/hoping/dreaming/longing to stop.  I need my drive back. I need my enthusiasm for life and positivity back.  I want to be a great role model for T and I know I cant be that right now.

like a ton of bricks ...

So here I was thinking I was all tough and dealing with everything so well, apparently not so much!

The X told me today that he wanted us to be "friends" and I realised that he never loved me the way I loved him.  He loved me for everything I did for him, for supporting him and ensuring he was never alone.  I think there is a much deeper type of love.

Then it really hit me, the enormity of the situation. It's not just a man and a woman ending a relationship. It's a son losing his family unit. It means no full-blood brothers or sisters for Thomas. It's all the dreams we had of homes and holidays and holiday homes... gone.

Now I have to re-invent myself. I have to figure out what my dreams are ... I don't really remember who I used to be. Is that pathetic? I lost all of myself in him. I used to go to concerts but he didn't like music (how weird is that - I should have known), I used to see movies but he'd fall asleep, same for theatre ... I also used to have quite a bit of self-confidence - that went too!

Now I have to get it all back, all of me back. I don't know where to start ... maybe at the gym!

Let me introduce

The love of my life, the light to my dark, my reason for getting up in the morning.

Love.