Hopes & Dreams

My wishes for the next 24 hours:

- for a good nights sleep and to wake up tomorrow feeling rested and calm

- that my anxiety eases and I get rid of this feeling of my chest being bear hugged.

- that I keep a hold on my temper and not be a bitch with the people I love

- to not hear from my X

- to be able to look in the mirror and see positives rather than saying hateful things to myself

- that a magic fairy will come and clean my house

- that my son has a happy day and feels loved and secure.

Not too much to ask for and if my fairy god mother is feeling generous I'd like to meet the man of my dreams!

Cowboy Party

I completely forgot to post the photos of T's cowboy party ... so here are a few :)

Pleasure & Pain

Disclaimer - this title is more than a little influenced by me re-reading 50 Shades of Grey ... but it is valid nonetheless.

I have the pleasure and the honour and the priveledge of watching my little boy grow every day ... he turned 2.5 last week and I just thoroughly adore him. I love him being by my side, on my lap, on my hip ... I even love him when he takes up my side of the bed. I just LOVE him.

I really want him to grow up knowing just how much he is loved.  He truly is the most amazing little human with a kind and gentle spirit and a very cheeky attitude.  He makes me laugh every day with his stories and his dancing and his crazy penis obsession.

I never thought his dad would let me and him down as much as he has.  He has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to stop paying child support and his half of the mortgage.  Just because he can.  I am so disgusted with his behaviour that, at times, I can't even think straight.  I've never really felt this depth of anger before, it's not at all nice but I am hoping it will fuel me through the legal battle that is about to commence.

It is so unfair that the X can just decide that he didn't love me and walk away from the home and the family we built and gets to "start again".  While I am left to pick up the pieces, work, raise a child.  A child we decided to have together, a child we said we would raise together, a child he promised he would do anything for.

It's sucky being a single mum. It really is. I really hope one day I can someone who will love me, respect me, listen to my stories and make me laugh.

I know things could be a lot worse, I know people are living through a lot worse ... and I do count my lucky stars that almost every morning this little guy wakes up and is so very happy to see me, tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to share his chocolate cake with me.

Time Marches On ...

I can't believe 6 months have passed! I can't believe I was so worried of getting through that first night, that first week without the X.

I feel like a different person now. I feel calm, content... dare I say, happy?!

I've discovered a new inner-strength ... actually I don't think it's new - I think I just found it again. I had lost it along the way but I am starting to feel like the old me.

I read through my posts last night and wanted to give myself a big hug. I thought my life was over back then, but now I feel like this is going to be a better and brighter chapter.

I absolutely know that he could live a 100 lifetimes and still not deserve me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

When I was 15 I asked my mother if I was beautiful.

She told me that she wasn't going to lie. Her answer was no, I was not beautiful. I was pretty but not beautiful. I think my relationship with my mum is probably the root of all my insecurity problems. My mum was the kind of mum that uses fat as an insul all the time. When I was 18 I was 45 kg and thought I was fat. I have always thought I was fat ... and now, unfortunately I actually am a lot heavier than I should be.

It was always an issue between the X and I about my low, low self esteem. If somebody tells me I am beautiful I genuinely think they are lying.

I caught up with my mum today and we got onto the subject of beauty. She asked me if I thought I looked good with my big double chin. She then informed me this was her being a mother. Is it? Is tearing your children down the way to build them up? I then dares to ask her that question again. Wondering if another 15 years of parenting experience would help her to get it right. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't think I'm beautiful and won't lie about it.

What mother looks at her child and doesn't see beauty and perfection? I just don't understand. When I look at T I see nothing but beauty and a miracle. I will not repeat these patterns.

new job, new fringe and a dash of motivation

So I just scored myself a new job! Bit excited, I've been doing the same thing (payroll) for almost 10 years and it will be good to have a change.  Challenge myself, force myself out of this rut I have found myself in.

I got a hair cut too and got talked into getting some bangs, not sure if I like them or not yet ... I was hoping they would transform me into Zooey Deschanel but no deal...

I've fnally decided that I need to lose some weight, Ive been feeling miserable about my body for a long time, all the unhappiness led to all the kilos ... I really want to be a good and healthy role model for Thom and I know I cant do that when I am looking like this.  So I am saying NO to sugar! Sugar has been my little secret friend for too long, keeping me company while I watch the Kardashians and all the people from Jersey ... I need to find the healthier (and hotter) me!

Ok, well my day is done at work so I am going to WALK to my mum's for dinner. Only two more days left in this hellhole and then its on to bigger and brighter things!

Moving on

Once again it's been a long time between blogs, being a single mum is HARD work!! I don't think I was quite prepared for it. 

T is amazing. He is a truly gorgeous, kind, loving, cheeky little boy. He makes my job easy some days but boy he has some energy! I need to constantly plan activities to wear him out, its the only way I can get some down time.

He is fast approaching the terrible twos and I have been swept up in party planning mayhem. I think its my fear of him missing out because I am a single mum ... I have totally gone overboard with the planning of his party. It's cowboy/wild west themed and I am so excited to give him a really great day that he'll probably forget!

I have organised a photographer to come and take some pictures as his party so I will post them when it happens ... I really want to get some good photos of me and T, all the great photos we have are all with me behind the camera. I want to capture some special moments.

I guess I am feeling kind of positive at the moment. I am so much better off than the other single mums I have met ... my relationship with the X is friendly, he is a really great dad. I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have money in the bank, food in the pantry, fuel in the car. It's not all bad!

Here are a few pics of my little guy

Wishing & Dreaming

So I haven't posted for a while, I keep thinking about it but I'm not sure what to write.

I think I'm a bit afraid of facing my feelings.

The X and I have gotten to a place of "friendship" I suppose you would say.  We both know that the best thing for T is for us to be in a partnership of sorts. We have decided to do family outings once a month, he is happier when we are all together. 

The X's addiction (gambling) has taken a hold of him again. I don't think I've spoken about this before on here but the last four years of our relationship was riddled with his gambling and subsequent lying about gambling.  I believe this was the main issue that broke down our relationship.  I would always catch him out on his lies and I grew to distrust everything he said. 

I don't want T to grow up with an addict for a father.  He deserves so much better than that. 

The more I think about all the things that have happened in the past few years the happier I am that I have a brighter future ahead for me and T. But that doesn't seem to stop the longing.

That's what I need. I need the wishing/hoping/dreaming/longing to stop.  I need my drive back. I need my enthusiasm for life and positivity back.  I want to be a great role model for T and I know I cant be that right now.

like a ton of bricks ...

So here I was thinking I was all tough and dealing with everything so well, apparently not so much!

The X told me today that he wanted us to be "friends" and I realised that he never loved me the way I loved him.  He loved me for everything I did for him, for supporting him and ensuring he was never alone.  I think there is a much deeper type of love.

Then it really hit me, the enormity of the situation. It's not just a man and a woman ending a relationship. It's a son losing his family unit. It means no full-blood brothers or sisters for Thomas. It's all the dreams we had of homes and holidays and holiday homes... gone.

Now I have to re-invent myself. I have to figure out what my dreams are ... I don't really remember who I used to be. Is that pathetic? I lost all of myself in him. I used to go to concerts but he didn't like music (how weird is that - I should have known), I used to see movies but he'd fall asleep, same for theatre ... I also used to have quite a bit of self-confidence - that went too!

Now I have to get it all back, all of me back. I don't know where to start ... maybe at the gym!

Let me introduce

The love of my life, the light to my dark, my reason for getting up in the morning.

Love.

Let's go back to the beginning

I realised today that I started this blog and didn't really take the time to introduce myself. That was a bit rude wasn't it! So, I am going to combine two of my biggest loves (making lists and talking about myself) and give you some insight!
1. I was born in 1981 with brown hair, brown eyes and hairy ears (according to my mother).
2. I have lived in over 30 homes, no I am not a gypsy I have just had an interesting life and a mother who was always searching for happiness in a different location rather than inside her!
3. Perth, AUS is my home - my mum and family live her with all my closest friends
4. Leeds, UK is my other home - my dad and family live there and I miss them, especially at Christmas time
5. I moved from the UK to Australia when I was 8
6. I have an English accent when I talk to my family, much to my friends amusement
7. I would like to have my accent all the time, I think its cute
8. I was born at 3.33 and I always notice that time on the clock
9. I wear a lot of black
10. I am not very fashionable, I definitely need Trinny and Susannah ... or Gok.
11. I don't wear makeup unless I am going on a night out. This isn't because I think I am gorgeous, I am just lazy.
12. I don't smoke, do drugs or drink very often anymore
13. My little sister's probably think that makes me uncool but I am too lazy to deal with a hangover
14. I have an older brother, three younger sisters and a younger brother oh and two younger step-sisters. 
15. When I was growing up it was only me, mum and my brother
16. Christmas is now way more expensive
17. And way louder
18. I have a son who I adore the hell out of. He is perfect. Except for the fact that he doesn't sleep through, doesn't listen to me and thinks the word no is funny.
19. I was once interviewed by a dwarf, I asked her if it was a small company.  I should have prefaced it with "no pun intended"
20. I am now single!

What constitutes cheating?

If your husband told another woman he had feelings for her would you consider that cheating? Even if she didn't feel the same way about him, shut him down and nothing happened? I would.

If your husband went on a big night out and ended up very drunk and slept in another woman's hotel room and then lied to you about it the next day would you consider that cheating? I would.

I have just found out that my X did both of the above. On the same night. Last week, the night before he ended our marriage.

I am trying to work out how I feel. Am I angry? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I overwhelmed? Yes. Am I feeling these emotions intensely? Nope... I feel I should be angrier or sadder or completely devastated.  I'm not. I had a flare of anger ... I called him names and cried but that was this morning and tonight .. it's kind of abated. I'm just ok.

Should I be scared that this is just a coping mechanism and I am going to breakdown in the next few days?! I hope not.

These things I do know:
 - I did nothing wrong to lead to my marriage break down
 - It really wasn't me, it was him
 - He didn't really love or respect me
 - I am worth so much more than him

I think as long as I keep repeating these facts I can keep moving forward.

God this must be a depressing blog to read ... is there anyone out there?

The words I needed to hear

Spoke to X last night, he said the words I didnt really want to hear but I know that I needed to:

"I'm not in love with you anymore"

7 words.

I've decided that I shouldn't speak or see him for a few weeks, kind of like an X detox.  I just need to convince myself that I don't love him either.  I will text and email him for T related things and let him speak to T on the phone whenver he wants but I dont want to hear his voice or see him.  It hurts like a motherfucker.  This is not helpful on the lead up to Christmas. Can I just skip it this year? I'm sure T will never know ...

I know I have things to look forward to ... learning how to love myself again (get your mind out of the gutter, I did that when I was married!), maybe meeting someone know, having a first kiss and most importantly watching this litte man grow up!

Day 3

The X starts his new job today, it feels so weird to not be a part of this big life change that he is undertaking.  I have been a part of everything for the past four and a half years ... he would come home and waffle on and I would feign interest ... it was a good system!

Last night post-panic attack I stared at myself in the mirror for a really long time. I mean, I really stared - I looked into my own eyes and I found it hard to recognise myself there. That girl in the mirror just looked so wounded and vulnerable. That's not me ... I'm strong and nobody can hurt me?

I was dropping T to daycare this morning and his latest 'trick' is to name a list of all his favourite people - Nana, Bapou, Danni, Luna, Chris, Brittany and of course Mummy & Daddy. Mummy and Daddy are repeated again and again throughout the list. It's extremely sweet but everytime he says Daddy I just feel so terrible and guilty that we have failed him, that I have failed him. That I didn't do enough to keep his family together. That I have made him a statistic - another child that comes from a broken home. It breaks my heart.

I think this blog will be good for me, I can look back in 6 months and see how far I have come ... that's what I hope anyway.

I don't know how we got here

Divorce. The word sounds so alien. It seems like a story I would read in NW … ‘Britney Spears is set to divorce husband after less than 10 months of marriage’. Except it’s not a tabloid, it’s my life.  I don’t know how we got here …

How do you so easily walk away from the person you promised forever too? How do you walk away from a supportive wife and adoring child without putting up any semblance of a fight? How could you have changed so much in 10 months? Where is the man who stood holding my hands, saying his vows and shedding a tear on that perfect summer’s day?

2011 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I only got married in February, travelled to Europe in March, turned 30 in April, celebrated my first child’s first birthday in April … and now this? It just doesn’t make sense to me. 

I understand that in no means were we perfect for one another … we probably couldn’t have been more different. But the majority of the time it did work.  He was my best friend. He was the one person I completely bared my soul to.  I shared everything with him … I actually don’t know how to go a day without talking to him. I don’t know how I am going to do this.  I don’t know how to imagine my world without him in it as my partner … never sharing a hug, a kiss … it actually breaks my heart.

I know nobody really liked him very much and I know he has more faults than I have time to mention but I really did love him despite all of it. And I supported the shit out of him, in times I shouldn’t, in times where I should have had more self-respect.

My issue is heart-vs-head. My heart loves him but my head tells me that love isn’t enough to make us both happy. And I want him to be happy and I want to be happy and more than anything I want our son to be happy.

So this is going to be my journal of this life changing journey I am hesitantly about to embark on.  I am a blog lover and I see all the support out there for bloggers and am hoping for a little piece of that action myself.