My wishes for the next 24 hours:
- for a good nights sleep and to wake up tomorrow feeling rested and calm
- that my anxiety eases and I get rid of this feeling of my chest being bear hugged.
- that I keep a hold on my temper and not be a bitch with the people I love
- to not hear from my X
- to be able to look in the mirror and see positives rather than saying hateful things to myself
- that a magic fairy will come and clean my house
- that my son has a happy day and feels loved and secure.
Not too much to ask for and if my fairy god mother is feeling generous I'd like to meet the man of my dreams!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Pleasure & Pain
Disclaimer - this title is more than a little influenced by me re-reading 50 Shades of Grey ... but it is valid nonetheless.
I have the pleasure and the honour and the priveledge of watching my little boy grow every day ... he turned 2.5 last week and I just thoroughly adore him. I love him being by my side, on my lap, on my hip ... I even love him when he takes up my side of the bed. I just LOVE him.
I really want him to grow up knowing just how much he is loved. He truly is the most amazing little human with a kind and gentle spirit and a very cheeky attitude. He makes me laugh every day with his stories and his dancing and his crazy penis obsession.
I never thought his dad would let me and him down as much as he has. He has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to stop paying child support and his half of the mortgage. Just because he can. I am so disgusted with his behaviour that, at times, I can't even think straight. I've never really felt this depth of anger before, it's not at all nice but I am hoping it will fuel me through the legal battle that is about to commence.
It is so unfair that the X can just decide that he didn't love me and walk away from the home and the family we built and gets to "start again". While I am left to pick up the pieces, work, raise a child. A child we decided to have together, a child we said we would raise together, a child he promised he would do anything for.
It's sucky being a single mum. It really is. I really hope one day I can someone who will love me, respect me, listen to my stories and make me laugh.
I know things could be a lot worse, I know people are living through a lot worse ... and I do count my lucky stars that almost every morning this little guy wakes up and is so very happy to see me, tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to share his chocolate cake with me.
I have the pleasure and the honour and the priveledge of watching my little boy grow every day ... he turned 2.5 last week and I just thoroughly adore him. I love him being by my side, on my lap, on my hip ... I even love him when he takes up my side of the bed. I just LOVE him.
It is so unfair that the X can just decide that he didn't love me and walk away from the home and the family we built and gets to "start again". While I am left to pick up the pieces, work, raise a child. A child we decided to have together, a child we said we would raise together, a child he promised he would do anything for.
It's sucky being a single mum. It really is. I really hope one day I can someone who will love me, respect me, listen to my stories and make me laugh.
I know things could be a lot worse, I know people are living through a lot worse ... and I do count my lucky stars that almost every morning this little guy wakes up and is so very happy to see me, tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to share his chocolate cake with me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Time Marches On ...
I can't believe 6 months have passed! I can't believe I was so worried of getting through that first night, that first week without the X.
I feel like a different person now. I feel calm, content... dare I say, happy?!
I've discovered a new inner-strength ... actually I don't think it's new - I think I just found it again. I had lost it along the way but I am starting to feel like the old me.
I read through my posts last night and wanted to give myself a big hug. I thought my life was over back then, but now I feel like this is going to be a better and brighter chapter.
I absolutely know that he could live a 100 lifetimes and still not deserve me.
I feel like a different person now. I feel calm, content... dare I say, happy?!
I've discovered a new inner-strength ... actually I don't think it's new - I think I just found it again. I had lost it along the way but I am starting to feel like the old me.
I read through my posts last night and wanted to give myself a big hug. I thought my life was over back then, but now I feel like this is going to be a better and brighter chapter.
I absolutely know that he could live a 100 lifetimes and still not deserve me.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
When I was 15 I asked my mother if I was beautiful.
She told me that she wasn't going to lie. Her answer was no, I was not beautiful. I was pretty but not beautiful. I think my relationship with my mum is probably the root of all my insecurity problems. My mum was the kind of mum that uses fat as an insul all the time. When I was 18 I was 45 kg and thought I was fat. I have always thought I was fat ... and now, unfortunately I actually am a lot heavier than I should be.
It was always an issue between the X and I about my low, low self esteem. If somebody tells me I am beautiful I genuinely think they are lying.
I caught up with my mum today and we got onto the subject of beauty. She asked me if I thought I looked good with my big double chin. She then informed me this was her being a mother. Is it? Is tearing your children down the way to build them up? I then dares to ask her that question again. Wondering if another 15 years of parenting experience would help her to get it right. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't think I'm beautiful and won't lie about it.
What mother looks at her child and doesn't see beauty and perfection? I just don't understand. When I look at T I see nothing but beauty and a miracle. I will not repeat these patterns.
She told me that she wasn't going to lie. Her answer was no, I was not beautiful. I was pretty but not beautiful. I think my relationship with my mum is probably the root of all my insecurity problems. My mum was the kind of mum that uses fat as an insul all the time. When I was 18 I was 45 kg and thought I was fat. I have always thought I was fat ... and now, unfortunately I actually am a lot heavier than I should be.
It was always an issue between the X and I about my low, low self esteem. If somebody tells me I am beautiful I genuinely think they are lying.
I caught up with my mum today and we got onto the subject of beauty. She asked me if I thought I looked good with my big double chin. She then informed me this was her being a mother. Is it? Is tearing your children down the way to build them up? I then dares to ask her that question again. Wondering if another 15 years of parenting experience would help her to get it right. She told me the same thing, that she doesn't think I'm beautiful and won't lie about it.
What mother looks at her child and doesn't see beauty and perfection? I just don't understand. When I look at T I see nothing but beauty and a miracle. I will not repeat these patterns.
Monday, March 26, 2012
new job, new fringe and a dash of motivation
So I just scored myself a new job! Bit excited, I've been doing the same thing (payroll) for almost 10 years and it will be good to have a change. Challenge myself, force myself out of this rut I have found myself in.
I got a hair cut too and got talked into getting some bangs, not sure if I like them or not yet ... I was hoping they would transform me into Zooey Deschanel but no deal...
I've fnally decided that I need to lose some weight, Ive been feeling miserable about my body for a long time, all the unhappiness led to all the kilos ... I really want to be a good and healthy role model for Thom and I know I cant do that when I am looking like this. So I am saying NO to sugar! Sugar has been my little secret friend for too long, keeping me company while I watch the Kardashians and all the people from Jersey ... I need to find the healthier (and hotter) me!
Ok, well my day is done at work so I am going to WALK to my mum's for dinner. Only two more days left in this hellhole and then its on to bigger and brighter things!
I got a hair cut too and got talked into getting some bangs, not sure if I like them or not yet ... I was hoping they would transform me into Zooey Deschanel but no deal...
I've fnally decided that I need to lose some weight, Ive been feeling miserable about my body for a long time, all the unhappiness led to all the kilos ... I really want to be a good and healthy role model for Thom and I know I cant do that when I am looking like this. So I am saying NO to sugar! Sugar has been my little secret friend for too long, keeping me company while I watch the Kardashians and all the people from Jersey ... I need to find the healthier (and hotter) me!
Ok, well my day is done at work so I am going to WALK to my mum's for dinner. Only two more days left in this hellhole and then its on to bigger and brighter things!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Moving on
Once again it's been a long time between blogs, being a single mum is HARD work!! I don't think I was quite prepared for it.
T is amazing. He is a truly gorgeous, kind, loving, cheeky little boy. He makes my job easy some days but boy he has some energy! I need to constantly plan activities to wear him out, its the only way I can get some down time.
He is fast approaching the terrible twos and I have been swept up in party planning mayhem. I think its my fear of him missing out because I am a single mum ... I have totally gone overboard with the planning of his party. It's cowboy/wild west themed and I am so excited to give him a really great day that he'll probably forget!
I have organised a photographer to come and take some pictures as his party so I will post them when it happens ... I really want to get some good photos of me and T, all the great photos we have are all with me behind the camera. I want to capture some special moments.
I guess I am feeling kind of positive at the moment. I am so much better off than the other single mums I have met ... my relationship with the X is friendly, he is a really great dad. I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have money in the bank, food in the pantry, fuel in the car. It's not all bad!
Here are a few pics of my little guy
T is amazing. He is a truly gorgeous, kind, loving, cheeky little boy. He makes my job easy some days but boy he has some energy! I need to constantly plan activities to wear him out, its the only way I can get some down time.
He is fast approaching the terrible twos and I have been swept up in party planning mayhem. I think its my fear of him missing out because I am a single mum ... I have totally gone overboard with the planning of his party. It's cowboy/wild west themed and I am so excited to give him a really great day that he'll probably forget!
I have organised a photographer to come and take some pictures as his party so I will post them when it happens ... I really want to get some good photos of me and T, all the great photos we have are all with me behind the camera. I want to capture some special moments.
I guess I am feeling kind of positive at the moment. I am so much better off than the other single mums I have met ... my relationship with the X is friendly, he is a really great dad. I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have money in the bank, food in the pantry, fuel in the car. It's not all bad!
Here are a few pics of my little guy
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